Grief is something we all go through at one point or another in our lifetime. We have different forms of grief at different intensity levels. We grieve when we lose something. Grieving the loss of a pet is hard, grieving a loved one is even harder.
Unfortunately, at a young age I have had to experience one of the most difficult forms of grief, which is losing a parent.
Losing someone you are so close to and love with all your heart, someone you do not go a day without is an indescribable feeling. All of a sudden they are just no longer here and you are expected to figure it out.
I lost my mom, my best friend to brain cancer five months ago and I am still grieving every day. But, I know I’m not alone and there are others out there who are also experiencing the feelings I am. Or, if you aren’t grieving, I hate to tell you, but you will one day. So, here are the things I have learned throughout the grieving process.
It Hits At Inconvenient Times
You can be out having a good time with friends and all of a sudden it hits you like a freight train. They aren’t here anymore. You can’t tell them what you are up to or share your location or tell them you made it home safe. It hit’s hard and it is difficult to continue on with whatever you were doing.
For me, this happens at work a lot. I will be working, in a meeting or chatting with co workers and all of a sudden it hits me and a wave of depression comes over me and it is hard to snap out of.
It Can Be Paralyzing
When a wave of major grief hits you, it can be paralyzing. Everyone grieves differently. You may cry uncontrollably or go completely numb and not be able to move or think about anything else. It;s frustrating, and all you can really do is let it pass.
The 5 Stages Aren’t Linear
You have probably heard of the 5 stages of grief that everyone talks about which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. What we hear and often assume is that these stages happen one after the other. That would make the most sense wouldn’t it? I wish it were that simple.
The answer is a big fat NO, they are not linear. They can go all over the place at all different times and for different periods of time. One minute you are angry, then the next you are in denial for a few days, then acceptance, then back to anger, then bargaining, then acceptance, then depression. And the cycle continues for who knows how long.
It Doesn’t Go Away
I have only been grieving for five months now, which is not a very long time. But there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her or wish I could talk to her or ask her something. I still wish she was here every moment of every day. And I don’t see that going away. From people I have talked to who have experienced similar grief, I hear that it never really does go away, but it gets a little easier. The sharp sting starts to become a dull ache.
I guess you would never really want it to go away anyway, because that will mean you have forgotten them, which in my opinion would be worse.
There’s No Timeline
Nobody can tell you when the grieving will lessen or get easier. You can’t expect that in 6/10/12/24 months from now it will get better. You can’t countdown to the time you don’t grieve as much anymore. Everyone is different and nobody knows how long your grieving period will last, not even you. It takes time, so give it the time it needs to pass. Feel the feelings and just know that you are moving forward.
Life Continues and You Have To Continue With It
The person you love is no longer here, but you have to continue on with life like your world didn’t just absolutely flip upside down. Moving on with life is HARD, and ridiculous and frustrating. People expect you to grieve for a little while, but after 2 weeks get back to work? That’s not how this works. I can’t put my grief on pause to go to work, unfortunately it comes with me. We are a packaged deal. Trust me, I wish I could throw it in the dumpster, but I can’t. Life continues, the earth still rotates, you still have to live without this person. And it’s weird! You still have to pay for groceries, you still have to pay rent, you still have to go to work. You still have to take care of yourself but now, it;s harder, and it’s heavier but you just have to do it.
Eventually you will get back to doing the things you love and they will actually be enjoyable again. I know you are sick of me saying this, but it just takes time.
Go Easy On Yourself
Pamper yourself, treat yourself like a child. Take extra time for yourself. Let yourself feel all the feelings. Eat the ice cream, sit on the couch, take a bath, read a book, watch a funny movie and just breathe. Rest, take your time. I know it’s hard but It will all be ok
